Ten Commandments of the Movie Theater

1. Thou shalt turn off thy phone.
No, you’re not different or special. Turn the phone off. And to you noisy middle schoolers text messaging the person next to you: my weapons systems have infrared targeting. Consider yourselves warned.

2. Thou shalt not bring small children.
If you’re not willing to pay for a babysitter, you don’t get to go to the movies. Didn’t it occur to you that having children might cramp your social life? Should have thought about that before spawning. Don’t punish the rest of humanity for your lack of foresight, unless you want to know what it’s like to have three hundred people in close proximity simultaneously hate your guts. For bonus points on the hate-o-meter, try this on a Friday night at a show that’s completely inappropriate for young kids.

3. Thou shalt shut up.
If the audience can’t figure out what’s going on on their own, the movie isn’t worth seeing. People didn’t pay ten bucks to listen to you explain the plot, special effects, marital status of the lead actors, or how much you appreciate the film. If you were really so insightful, you would have your own television program or be directing films yourself. Movie theaters sell overpriced candy for one reason: in the hopes that people like you will stuff it in their gob as a suppressant for verbal diarrhea.

4. Thou shalt pee before the show.
It’s just wise. Why take the risk? Make a pit stop before the show, when those crappy TV ads and trivia questions are on. You won’t miss any of the action or inconvenience anybody by making them shift to let you pass while the movie’s on.

5. Thou shalt not fart.
Refrain from consuming meat, dairy products, beer, or other flatulence-inducing foods right a few hours before show time. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. One SBD and the entire experience is ruined for everyone.

6. Thou shalt not masticate.
Gum, candy, whatever. Shut your mouth when you chew. Explosions are meant to be generated by surround sound, not mastication.

7. Thou shalt not osculate.
That’s great that your pheromones are working properly. Snuggling is fine, but people come to the movies to see steamy love scenes on screen, not in the next seat over. If you’re horny teenagers in search of a mom and dad free zone to get busy, just lie and SAY you’re going to the movies, then drive to the beach or mountains and get down in the car. Everybody wins! You get nookie, have twenty bucks to spend on food afterward, and I don’t have to hear you. Just make sure you ask a friend who’s seen the flick to give you a review in case you have to answer any questions about the plot . . .

8. Thou shalt eject jerks.
Every now and then you go to the movies and there is That Guy. You know who I mean. Someone who is drunk, noisy, disorderly, obnoxious, and self-entitled. Do not feel bad having this person removed from the theater, because they’re usually so malignant that they take pride in being applauded while security escorts him out. These people come in all ages, races, shapes, and sizes, but they have one thing in common: they must be expelled. Until they install ejector seats in movie theaters and a big red button that I can push to send them flying through the roof and into the parking lot, it is the duty of the courteous moviegoer to get these people thrown out. Everyone will love you. You saved the movie. And that makes you like Harrison Ford, which is always good.

9. Thou shalt enjoy thyself.
It’s okay to laugh, clap, cheer, and cry. That’s what the movies are all about. Collective emotional responses are an amazing part of what makes moviegoing so powerful. There are reasonable bounds, but don’t sit there like a lump. Natural reactions are great. Just keep in mind that 99.99% of movies are NOT the Rocky Horror Picture Show, and any contributions you wish to make to set, dialogue, or soundtrack probably won’t be appreciated.

10. Make thine own decision about whether or not to stay for the credits.
Some people like to, others don’t. Sometimes it’s worth it because there are little extras embedded toward the end. However, don’t be a sanctimonious turd who sits there, blocking people trying to leave, and muttering “nobody shows proper respect for the technical aspects of cinema.” Not everybody takes the movies as seriously as you. Thank goodness, or it wouldn’t be any fun at all. Some people find credits difficult to read, and others care more about the end results of artists’ work than their names. Either way, that’s why the good lord invented IMDB.