404 File Not Found

When moved from L.A. and began my exciting new job infiltrating software, one of the perceived fringe benefits would be meeting guys with:

• More intelligence
• Better jobs
• Mad HALO skills
• An interest in chicks who wear horn rimmed glasses
• Something to talk about besides their next pilot audition

And so far it’s been true. But, ah, the irony! Where in L.A. you find many hot guys with smooth skills with the ladies yet no brains, futures, or conversational ability, up here it’s nothing but hot geeks with the relationship radar of well . . . geeks.

man man

Despite having met numerous very attractive young lads in the Valley of Silicon who seem to enjoy talking to me and don’t appear to be gay, I can’t get any of them to ask me out. Why, you ask, would a female with real, actual breasts have trouble getting a guy to ask her out? Welcome to trying to flirt with software engineers. Getting them to wake up and smell the pheromones is about as fun as debugging when you don’t even know where the packet of death is hiding.

info weekend

I know a good-looking guy who regularly goes out of his way to talk to me. I am friendly and encouraging toward his conversation, which you’d think would be enough to send a clue. I asked him Friday afternoon what he was doing this weekend. “Nothing,” he told me. Woot!

setup saturday_night

I gave him the best possible invitation you can get: “Oh really? Me neither!”

adduser cute_guy

And what was his repsonse? “Well, sitting at home isn’t too bad. I’m sure I’ll find something to do.”

Fatal error!

killall weekend_plans

halt

reboot . . . /sigh.

You would think that a guy with brains in his head, or at least testosterone in his chonies, would go “Ah! This chick just went out of her way to inform me that she is available this weekend. I should ask her out.” But no . . . no. I’m tired of this, so it’s time to debug. Let’s make a list of the potential problems that caused this application to crash:

• 400 Bad File Request
• 403 Forbidden/Access Denied
• 500 Internal Error

Hmm . . . Maybe the connection was just refused by the host. Could be. The fact that I have Optimus Prime on my desktop, a SPEW bumper sticker on my car, and am really into cyborgs can’t be working for me. Neither can the fact that most of the guys I know are coworkers, which pretty much makes them personae non nookie.

What’s a geekette to do? I’m not going to do all the work for them — that’s a doomed relationship from the start! I’m considering alternative forms of getting attention — sewing a Cortana costume to wear to work, starting a Warcraft guild for the nerdy and lonely, or sticking with my current favorite coping method — creating characters that are built like firemen and are content to play with me all night on my favorite MMORPG. Come on, studly. I know you’ll let me level you up.