The Truth is Not Out There

I’m tired of all this whining about aliens. It seems like you can’t go anywhere or do anything without seeing some dumb new movie or conspiracy theory freaking out over the impending doom of Earth due to alien invasion. “Oh no!” you scream in fear. “The visitors are among us! We’re going to be invaded!”

Didn’t you read The War of the Worlds? Or at least watch that episode of Invader Zim with all the germs?

If aliens ever noticed this place, and if there was any reason for them to be interested in actually coming here, and if they actually had the capability to, they’d be dead in 24 hours after sucking in the choking air of disease we exhale all around us. Remember what happened when Europeans and Africans got to the Americas? Sure, the Americas sent a particularly nasty strain of syphilis back East over the Atlantic, but up to 90 percent of Native Americans were wiped out by smallpox, typhus, measles, influenza, bubonic plague, mumps, yellow fever, and whooping cough. And that was just what happened when two groups from the same species came into contact with each other. Any alien dumb enough to set down on planet Earth would catch the nastiest cold of its life pretty quick.

So quit all your griping about abductions and anal probes. Do you really think aliens interested in defeating us would want to examine the microbial tunnel of horrors at the end of your digestive tract? Really. Stop being so silly.

The only reason anything on Earth can survive breathing our bacteria-infested air is that it earned the right to be here through millions of years of natural selection. So if you’re really concerned about aliens, you should realize that your anxiety is unwarranted. If aliens want to take over the Earth, they’re much more likely to send robots to do it. Either that or they’d just glass the planet. You know. Kind of like how you spray bleach on the kitchen counter to keep from getting sick.

Happy Tuesday!