I Won’t Break Up with XP

Lots of things go in cycles. Classic-Romantic. Bear-Bull. Orthodox-Rebel. Technological-Natural. Lohan-Duff. One of the most stark patterns of cyclical behavior is that of the operating systems released by Microsoft. The Functional-Fubar cycle, unfortunately, has gone unbroken from the beginning. When Windows first came out, it was astonishing. Even Microsoft haters have to admit that. But it seems there’s been this flip-flop of fantastic and demonic incarnations.

For example, Windows 98 was so bad that Trey Parker and Matt Stone went completely out of the plot’s way in South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut to shoot Bill Gates in the head for it. It’s a shame the movie didn’t come out during the release of Windows ME or Vista, because something tells me the second and third offenses would have warranted a more horrible form of death when the general cries out “You told us it would be faster!” and all Gates responds with is a mealy-mouthed “It is faster!”

Thank goodness XP came around. When this OS arrived, people’s criticism went off the technology as a whole and tended to focus more on issues of software or ethics — the insecurity and inefficiency of Internet Explorer, monopolistic business practices, and so on. It proved a stable OS that is user friendly and more or less idiot proof. With everyone switching to Firefox and governments finally cracking down and slapping some fines on the big bad msft, the pecadillioes were overlooked by the general public.

But then . . . looming on the horizon . . . there it was. Vista. With a distracting color scheme, more annoying autofeatures than MS Word, and a crash magnitude that puts Bruckheimer to shame, the disasters that were Windows ME and Windows 98 were swept aside like mosquitoes in a hurricane. Gamers in particular hate it, as it’s more bloated than a sorority house with PMS and just as much fun to play with.

XP was like a hot girlfriend who liked sports and didn’t care if you wanted to go drinking with your buddies once in a while. Agile, flexible, and adaptable, it’s still relevant and serviceable after seven years, something few guys can say about most of their girlfriends. But now Microsoft wants to force us to break up with XP when they stop selling it in June. Instead they want us to start going out with Vista, XP’s fatter, uglier, bitchier sister.

Why couldn’t have you remembered that if it ain’t broke, you don’t need to fix it, Microsoft? Vista sucks rocks so hard that users are begging Microsoft not to retire it before the next version of the Windows OS appears sometime in 2010. We were passed a note in class from Vista that said “Will you go out with me? Check Yes or Yes.” I crumpled mine up and threw it in the trash, holding tight to XP. I love you, baby. I won’t dump you until you really deserve it.

My thought? If you’re in the market for a PC, buy or build a serviceable machine with the minimal level of horsepower that you’ll need for the next two years. Then pick up a copy of XP, install it, and avoid Vista until something else arrives. Because whatever it is, it has to be better.