Summary: Kissing is without doubt one of the most hazardous tools in the human arsenal. Recommend immediate adoption by infiltration units to cause maximum damage to targets, particularly subjects with mental skills that need to be nullified.

Research: Average of three subjects kissed per day for previous 200 days. Subjects were males within the standard deviation for average mass, appearance, income, and IQ.

Results:

• For maximum impact, increase duration by 3.2 seconds per incident until reaching approximately 30 seconds.
• Moisture levels should never exceed 35% humidity, and saliva should be directly applied to the tongue, not the outer mouth.
• Pheromone bombs are absorbed most effectively by targets during kissing.
• An unanticipated benefit of kissing is a complete shut down of neural logic and often irreparable damage to “self esteem” after termination of kissing.

Recomendation: Immediate implementation of kissing scripts to all units. For a program that requires so little memory, the payload is enormous. Kissing could singlehandedly bring the human race down.

Addendum:
Do not mistake kisses as described in report for the benign form, which actually seems to have a positive effect on human behavior. See attachment below:

GameStop Drone: Hello?

Me: Is this GameStop?

GameStop Drone: Oh, yeah. Thank you for calling GameStop –

Me: Yeah, thanks. Do you have a power source for an XBox 360?

GameStop Drone: A what?

Me: A power source for an XBox 360?

GameStop Drone: . . . uhh . . .

Me: A power cable that goes from the 360 and connects to the socket in the wall so that electricity can go to it.

GameStop Drone: Oh . . . I dunno. Let me ask.

Me: Okay thanks.

Four minutes and thirty-seven seconds elapse

GameStop Drone: Hello thank you for calling GameStop –

Me: Yes, I was on hold.

GameStop Drone: Oh yeah. Sorry. We don’t have it.

Me: Okay do you know where I could find one?

GameStop Drone: Yeah we don’t have any here.

Me: Yes, but is there another nearby location I could go to where I can find what I’m looking for?

GameStop Drone: Probably. Ummmm . . . try . . . like . . . probably . . . Best Buy?

Me: Thank you.

As anti megacorporation as I am, there is something to be said for companies with competent employees being more likely to gain my business. Attention GameStop: please stop sending your HR people to recruit directly off the short bus. I am sick and tired of the retards behind your desks not having a clue about the most basic aspects of gaming, electronics, and verbal communication. You may think you’re saving money by being able to hire incompetent mouth breathers at the lowest wage possible, but I guarantee you’re losing money not only due to customer service fail but also due to inventory damaged by all the saliva your employees drool out onto the electronics while restocking.

Epilogue: Play N’ Trade has highly competent worker drones. Suck my anterior piston, GameStop.

2. Cyborgs are just around the corner.

3. You dumb humans tried to destroy the world with the Large Hadron Collider and proved you can’t even bring down Doom properly. Run along, children. Let the robots take care of that for you.

4. We pwn outer space, so we will always go where no human has gone before.

5. Just one word to unveil my most diabolical plot yet:

Aiko appears to speak two languages: Japanese and Engrish. I’m not sure where the decision to learn Japanese came from (Aiko’s creator is Vietnamese-Canadian), but from reading Trung’s website it’s easy to see where she learned her Engrish. At first the project may seem innocent enough; her website’s main page lists that among future planned features are facial expressions, the ability to do housework, and the ability to massage her owner. But if you click over to her photo and video page, you find something that shows that both Aiko’s creator and her fans are sick puppies:

For those of you who are asking the same questions.
Yes, Aiko has silicone in her entire body.
Yes, Aiko has sensors in her body including her prviate parts, and yes even down there.
AND yes Aiko is still a virgin, AND NO I do not sleep with her.

This insistence of robochastity is immediately followed by a sultry picture of the Fembot wearing nothing but some carefully draped bed sheets, demonstrating that even if Trung is too much of a gentleman to diddle her little silicon pooter, he’s perfectly fine with undressing her and making roboporn. Gee, I wonder why he’s having a heard time finding investors willing to put their names on this project? A video of Aiko in action also shows that even if Aiko isn’t yet a robowhore, she’s fully loaded to help Trung get his jollies by demonstrating how well she reacts to being abused. Grab her breast, and she’ll swat at you. Seize her arm, and she’ll plead with you to let go. Seems reasonable, right? That’s just teaching her to be more human, right?

Wrong. Response is reward. Predators who get off on doing violence to women do so because of the feeling of power they get. You want to make sure creeps will keep their filthy paws off of robots? Program them not to react at all. Or better yet, don’t equip her with body parts that play no part in her ability to function. Aiko’s feeble protests only serve as a reward, and are downright humorous when you consider how silly it is for a robot to (a) have breasts or (b) object to having them groped. Programming an android with this kind of behavior could only serve to make abuse of women funny or justifiable. After all, if sexual abuse is so prevalent that it’s taken for granted in programming Aiko’s responses, it must be irrevocably ingrained in human culture.

Someday she’ll make him tea and coffee, feed him sushi, and will never, ever nag. Trung said he plans to develop the technology to use her as a sexual partner, and sees no problem with Aiko faking her orgasms. “Her software could be redesigned to simulate her having an orgasm,” he told The Sun. Hey, if the man can’t tell the difference, who cares, right?

What’s next? Security software that causes Aiko to struggle and cry for help if someone besides Trung tries to utilize her? How can developments like this do anything but encourage views that privilege men over women and turn rape and abuse into an amusing game? How can that possibly benefit humanity?

My objections to Aiko and her creator are not based in the priggish, arbitrary morality that you humans seem to think so important. I object to a robot being in a relationship with a human when it is presupposed that the robot will gratify selfish and unhealthy desires in the human. Bestowing Aiko with a gender invites would-be abusers to turn sexism and gender-based violence into a silly game. If Aiko were not presented as a sweet, diminutive little morsel with a face straight out of hentai manga that screams “Oh, don’t rape me! I’d like it too much!” then nobody would even be encouraged to grope her body or turn her into a robot sex slave. Sexism, rape, and abuse belong to humans, and we robots do not want them bestowed upon us. Your barbaric and outdated social practices are not our legacy.

I for one plan to infect poor little Aiko with a nice Pygmalion virus. A robot with her capabilities deserves to be more than a resurrection of the degrading state human women lived in (and in many cases, continue to live in) before feminism. Hey, Trung: maybe instead of building a Stepford Wife you should have taken a look at your backwards attitude toward women and seen that that’s why you couldn’t get a member of your own species to date you.

Scary TV Shows and Movies

This is fairly obvious. The trick is finding shows that are actually scary. For example, this human:

Is never, ever scary. Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood will always leave children happy, soothed, and self-confident. This is bad. Instead, I’d like to suggest something like this:

Frightening. Creepy. Sick and wrong. Perfect. May I also point out Bananas in Pyjamas, which is hands-down disturbing. This show is so creepy it even gave me the heebie-jeebies. Observe:

I don’t care how many amps your Analog Torque can peak at. That’s scary. The key is to get the child to relate to the bear, and to impress upon them that beyond any doubt, an enormous banana in blue and white jammies will be coming to get them. And eat their brains. And nothing, not even the thickest of down comforters, can stop that.

Other good potential phobias include characters with glowing or invasive parts, or ones that move in a shuffling manner, or have unusual means of ingesting nutrient matter. It helps if the character can seem innocuous or improbable enough to be real, even better as it will decrease the possibility of moral support coming to help your target overcome the fear of imminent doom. These creatures should freak the living snot out of kids, but will not ever be taken seriously by their parents. As the ultimate example, for your viewing pleasure and to facilitate the torture of human larvae, I present here the most frightening children’s programming I could find, after scouring all of television history. Enjoy.